Archive for May, 2011

05
May
11

Happy Zombie Mother’s Day, Mother…where ever you are

Why Zombie Moms are Superior

(as told to Daniel W Drezner behind protective glass)

A lot of people wonder how zombie parents raise such stereotypically ravenous kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many biters and gnawers, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover with breathing humans

• have a playdate with humans

• be in a school play, unless the eating of humans was called for

• complain about not being in a school play with humans

• watch TV or play computer games, especially Left 4 Dead

• choose their own extracurricular activities — zombies have no extracurricular activities

• bite anything less than grade A braaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiinns

• not be the No. 1 student in keeping their teeth razor sharp

• play any instrument.

I’m using the term “zombie mother” loosely. I know some members of the Donner Party, West African, Papua New Guinean, Maori, and vampire parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers, almost always born in Haiti, who are not zombie mothers, by choice of their voodoo master or otherwise. I’m also using the term “human parents” loosely. Human parents come in all varieties and tastes….

Even when human parents think they’re being strict, they usually don’t come close to being zombies. For example, my human neighbors who consider themselves strict make their children bus their plate to the sink when they’ve finished dinner. Maybe. For a zombie mother, cleaning the plates is the easy part. It’s teaching the children to go forage for live human braaaaaaiiiiiiins, drag them back to the house, and then devour them in full that gets tough.  They never like to finish the frontal lobe….

There are all these new books out there portraying zombie mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids’ true interests. For their part, many zombies secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than humans, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it’s a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what’s best for their children. The zombies just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Human parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the zombies believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see who they’re capable of eating, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no breather can ever take away.

And if none of that works, we will always be prepared to have our limbs shot off to secure a tasty braaaaaaiiiiiiin for our children.  Would human parents to that for their kids?  I didn’t think so.

03
May
11

On My First Day at Work in Podland, They Gave Me This

Your modern world has some strange ways. 

Welcome to Podland.

In order to enable you to fit in with the other pod-dwellers, we have put together this handy translation guide to help you survive. Good Luck.

404

Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”

Adminisphere

The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.

Alpha Geek

The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”

Assmosis

The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Batmobiling

putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”

Beepilepsy

The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.

Betamaxed

when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”

Blamestorming

A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer

Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)

Body Nazis

Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Bookmark

To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”

Bozone (n.)

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

CGI Joe

A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant

An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chips and Salsa

Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”

CLM
(Career Limiting Move)

Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”

Cobweb

a WWW site that never changes

Crapplet

A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”

Cube Farm

An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition

The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted

To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

Dopeler effect

The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Egosurfing

Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.

Glazing

Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”

Glibido

All talk and no action.

Going Postal

totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting  rampages

Gray Matter

Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land

The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”

Hipatitis

Terminal coolness.

Idea Hamsters

People whose idea generators are always running.

Ignoranus

A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

Inoculatte

To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

It’s a Feature

From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.

Karmageddon

It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.

Keyboard Plaque

The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.

Link Rot

The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.

Meatspace

the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”

Mouse Potato

The on-line generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond

That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers

People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot

To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.”

Plug-and-Play

A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”

Prairie Dogging

When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.

Reintarnation

Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Ribs ‘N’ Dick

a budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades”

Salmon Day

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

Sarchasm

The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Seagull Manager

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.

Square-Headed Spouse

Computer

Starter Marriage

A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy

A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.

Tourists

Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware

Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Umfriend

One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my…um…friend.”

Under Mouse Arrest

Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”

Uninstalled

Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

World Wide Wait

The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
02
May
11

I Have a Wonderful Adventure to Bring to You…

However…sigh…I am waiting for some pictures of me courting the lovely ladies…

Sigh…

From two darling ladies in Memphis…

Sigh…

Note the sad face…

Sigh…

No, no…

I will be fine…

Sigh…

02
May
11

Zombie Haiku – Because We Do Gain Knowledge from Eating Brains

Wake up to the sound
Of puppies being eaten
No more chewed slippers
Gail Simone, author of the current run of Wonder Woman, as well as the supercool Secret Six

____________

brains brains brains brains brains
brains brains brains brains brains brains brains
brains brains brains brains brains

____________

Playing fetch with Spot
is dangerous when the bones
he brings back still move.

____________

Dancer seeking work.
Flawless choreography.
Missing lower jaw.
CM

____________

Oof! High heel broken.
As they come, my final thought:
Poor choice of footwear.
impgazer

____________

Alas, I was dead.
Your brains, they do not tempt me:
Marshmallow bunnies…





My Humble, Blue Self

To Uncover Truth and to Serve - as long as it doesn't involve a chicken and snow.

No universal rules can be made, as both situations and human character differ.

Vincent the Zombie Presents…

Those Who Enter Herein

  • 9,284 hits

Everyone loves bacon.

wordpress stats