Happy Zombie Mother’s Day, Mother…where ever you are

Why Zombie Moms are Superior

(as told to Daniel W Drezner behind protective glass)

A lot of people wonder how zombie parents raise such stereotypically ravenous kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many biters and gnawers, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters were never allowed to do:

• attend a sleepover with breathing humans

• have a playdate with humans

• be in a school play, unless the eating of humans was called for

• complain about not being in a school play with humans

• watch TV or play computer games, especially Left 4 Dead

• choose their own extracurricular activities — zombies have no extracurricular activities

• bite anything less than grade A braaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiinns

• not be the No. 1 student in keeping their teeth razor sharp

• play any instrument.

I’m using the term “zombie mother” loosely. I know some members of the Donner Party, West African, Papua New Guinean, Maori, and vampire parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers, almost always born in Haiti, who are not zombie mothers, by choice of their voodoo master or otherwise. I’m also using the term “human parents” loosely. Human parents come in all varieties and tastes….

Even when human parents think they’re being strict, they usually don’t come close to being zombies. For example, my human neighbors who consider themselves strict make their children bus their plate to the sink when they’ve finished dinner. Maybe. For a zombie mother, cleaning the plates is the easy part. It’s teaching the children to go forage for live human braaaaaaiiiiiiins, drag them back to the house, and then devour them in full that gets tough.  They never like to finish the frontal lobe….

There are all these new books out there portraying zombie mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids’ true interests. For their part, many zombies secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than humans, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it’s a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what’s best for their children. The zombies just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

Human parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the zombies believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see who they’re capable of eating, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no breather can ever take away.

And if none of that works, we will always be prepared to have our limbs shot off to secure a tasty braaaaaaiiiiiiin for our children.  Would human parents to that for their kids?  I didn’t think so.

On My First Day at Work in Podland, They Gave Me This

Your modern world has some strange ways. 

Welcome to Podland. In order to enable you to fit in with the other pod-dwellers, we have put together this handy translation guide to help you survive. Good Luck.

404	Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, “404 Not Found,” which means the document requested couldn’t be located. “Don’t bother asking John. He’s 404.”
Adminisphere	The rarified organizational layers above the rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant.
Alpha Geek	The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “I dunno, ask Rick. He’s our alpha geek.”
Assmosis	The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Batmobiling	putting up emotional shields. Refers to the retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in “she started talking marriage and he started batmobiling”
Beepilepsy	The brief siezure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
Betamaxed	when a technology is overtaken in the market by inferior but better marketed competition as in “Microsoft betamaxed Apple right out of the market”
Blamestorming	A group discussion of why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Blowing Your Buffer	Losing one’s train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with won’t let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. “Damn, I just blew my buffer!” (Synonym: “Head Crash”)
Body Nazis	Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
Bookmark	To take note of a person for future reference. “After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him.”
Bozone (n.)	The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
CGI Joe	A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Chainsaw Consultant	An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Chips and Salsa	Chips = hardware, salsa = software. “First we gotta figure out if the problem’s in your chips or your salsa.”
CLM (Career Limiting Move)	Used by microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. “Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.”
Cobweb	a WWW site that never changes
Crapplet	A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. “I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!”
Cube Farm	An office filled with cubicles.
Dead Tree Edition	The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic forms.
Dilberted	To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is Dilbert, the comic strip character. “Damn, I’ve been dilberted again! The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”
Dopeler effect	The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Egosurfing	Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one’s own name.
Glazing	Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. “Didn’t he notice that by the second session half the room was glazing?”
Glibido	All talk and no action.
Going Postal	totally stressed out and losing it like postal employees who went on shooting  rampages
Gray Matter	Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.
Graybar Land	The place you go while you’re staring at a computer that’s processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the screen). “That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an hour.”
Hipatitis	Terminal coolness.
Idea Hamsters	People whose idea generators are always running.
Ignoranus	A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
Inoculatte	To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
It’s a Feature	From the old adage, “It’s not a bug, it’s a feature.” Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss over.
Karmageddon	It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Keyboard Plaque	The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on some people’s computer keyboards.
Link Rot	The process by which web page’s links become obsolete as the sites they’re connected to change or die.
Meatspace	the physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also “carbon community” “facetime” “F2F” “RL”
Mouse Potato	The on-line generation’s answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond	That minuscule fraction of time during which you realize you’ve just made a terrible error.
Open-Collar Workers	People who work at home or telecommute.
Percussive Maintenance	The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Perot	To quit unexpectedly. “My cellular phone just perot’ed.”
Plug-and-Play	A new hire who doesn’t require training. “That new guy is totally plug-and-play.”
Prairie Dogging	When something loud happens in a cube farm, causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what’s going on.
Reintarnation	Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Ribs ‘N’ Dick	a budget with no fat as in “we’ve got ribs ‘n’ dick and we’re supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades”
Salmon Day	The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Sarchasm	The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Seagull Manager	A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves.
Square-Headed Spouse	Computer
Starter Marriage	A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy	A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
Tourists	Those who take training classes just to take a vacation from their jobs. “There were only three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”
Treeware	Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Umfriend	One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in, “this is Dale, my…um…friend.”
Under Mouse Arrest	Getting busted for violating an online service’s rule of conduct. “Sorry I couldn’t get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest.”
Uninstalled	Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.
World Wide Wait	The real meaning of WWW.
Xerox Subsidy	Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

I Have a Wonderful Adventure to Bring to You…

However…sigh…I am waiting for some pictures of me courting the lovely ladies…

Sigh…

From two darling ladies in Memphis…

Sigh…

Note the sad face…

Sigh…

No, no…

I will be fine…

Sigh…

Zombie Haiku – Because We Do Gain Knowledge from Eating Brains

Wake up to the sound
Of puppies being eaten
No more chewed slippers
– Gail Simone, author of the current run of Wonder Woman, as well as the supercool Secret Six

____________

brains brains brains brains brains
brains brains brains brains brains brains brains
brains brains brains brains brains

____________

Playing fetch with Spot
is dangerous when the bones
he brings back still move.

____________

Dancer seeking work.
Flawless choreography.
Missing lower jaw.
– CM

____________

Oof! High heel broken.
As they come, my final thought:
Poor choice of footwear.
– impgazer

____________

Alas, I was dead.
Your brains, they do not tempt me:
Marshmallow bunnies…

My Sensei

Yes, I have a sensei; how do you imagine I survived all of these centuries? No, you are  not allowed to see her face.

As an aside, we are currently planning World Domination. We have many minions.

First Basement Cat joined us.

Hitman Monkey’s skills will be of great use.

then came Knife-Hamster

Drone-Hamster

Subterfuge-Hamster

Undercover-Hamster

and…now…Explosive-Hamster

Who Knows What Will Come Next? (And, no, we’re not telling you). Okay, a small hint…

Zombie Love Song – For All My Sweet Ladies Out There

Zombie Melee!

I think we are winning…  Click on the melee in order to go to Alison Acton’s gallery where you can see the full-sized version, please. Thank you.

Yes, Alax, the Weather is Bit Messy Out There

We always get the latest Zombie Weather Forecasts at The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse.

If I Might Take this Time to Introduce My Self…

A bit of background on My Self:

I was well-published writer of what were and have been called ‘great works’ – no, I will not tell you my ‘original’ name; my descendants are still getting wonderful royalties and I refuse to compromise that – and then I died. Personally, I thought I’d just drifted off to sleep.

Imagine, if you will, my great surprise when I awoke not in my bed, but in a rather unpleasant setting that consisted of a hard surface underneath my now-naked body in a dimly-lighted chamber that…to be horribly honest…didn’t smell well. Casting my eyes about me, I saw other people – if one could call those who appeared to have passed beyond the mortal coil ‘people’.

This was somewhat disconcerting and completely unexpected. Later, I was called a ‘martyr to experimental scientific method’. Upon reflection, I suppose I should have never stuffed that chicken with snow.

Of course, more will follow. This is the beginning of 385 years.

Happy Easter?

and…

after he became a Zombie (you expected him to live forever, I suppose?)

Famous Zombies…Besides My Self

Zombies in Pop Culture

And then there is the craze of ‘turning’ other celebrities into zombies a la photo applications, as evidenced by the works of Grayson Castro:

I suppose my first question would be ‘why are those who are alive so fascinated with zombies?’ Is it because of the thought of immortality – even if one tends to lose parts of one’s self unexpectedly, albeit one can reattach said parts?

Is it the era or the conditions therein? I am working on ‘The Economic Theory of Zombies’ (my first work since the 1600s). Of course, more will follow on this subject.

Because I Care and Do Not Hold With the Indiscriminate Consumption of Others

If you will look to your right, you will find links that will allow you to survive the Zombie Apocalypse – should the nasties who unfortunately share the same designation as My Self get out of the deep vault I have built to restrain their running amok, amok.

You’re welcome.